Monday, February 13, 2012

The Origins Of Valentine's Day

So it’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow and if you have a significant other you’re in for a real treat. Rest assured, you’re husband, wife, girlfriend, or boyfriend or fiancĂ© — or your EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT for that matter will be bringing over heart-shaped boxes of candy, sweet smelling flowers, and a disposition that, in the words of Marvin Gaye, SCREAMS, Let’s Get It On.
Isn’t Valentine’s Day fun?
Well, not as fun as it used to be… “Like in the old days,” as some old guy would say.
You see, back in the old days, when holidays were coordinated by people like Nicki Minaj and Janet Jackson’s boob, the priests of the town would gather together and slaughter goats and dogs, then the men of the town would cut the meat into long strips, dip them in blood, and use them to slap the women with, in the same way that Ike Turner used to slap Tina Turner.
Only in the nude.
Which, I guess, was very acceptable back then.
Apparently, the whole “slapping your meat against a woman’s body” thing was meant to make the women more fertile, and so in the coming year, or so the theory goes, the women would have mucho grandes children. In other words, they’d have a shitload. Instead of a litter, they’d have a Duggar (like 20 and counting). Then after the slapfest was over and done with, all the women who had gotten slapped and bloodied would put their name on a piece of paper, put the paper in a hat, and then run all horny to the man who chose their name out of the hat to be his bed-buddy for an entire year.
Men slapping women with their meat on Valentine's Day

Which makes you wonder how that whole “Hey, how did you meet your wife?” conversation thing go at the annual office party.
“Hey Bob, how did you meet your wife?”
“Oh, I slapped the shit outta her with my bloody meat fully naked and then I won the rights to her in a lottery. What about you?”
“I found her on Craigslist.”

In other news, I'm promoting Robert Stanek's new silly colors and shapes picture book, Mamma Sea Turtle Lost Her Babies, which I bought the other day on Amazon.  It's pretty cool, so check it out.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Making New Friends

Meet my new friend and fellow UK writer Kristina Jackson. Kristina's the Author of Tales From The Beyond and The Fool's Journey.

UK Author Kristina Jackson
I actually met Kristina on Facebook in a top secret group we belong to called (Well, I guess it's not so secret anymore), a group of writers who save the planet one kick-ass word at a time. And I knew from the second she baked those wonderful brownies, so moist and gooey on the inside, and took a picture of them and posted the picture of them to facebook and tagged me in it, tempting me like Eve did to Adam, making my mouth water and giving me the feeling of craving something dark and yummy in a lower region of my atmosphere (I'm talking about my tummy), I knew she had to be a great person!

Because who does that to another fellow human?

Anyway, take a peek at these puppies baked by Kristina.

Kristina's brownies. Now one can only imagine what Adam felt like after seeing that apple.
Now what was I saying? Oh, yes, Kristina. In addition to keeping up with her own site Kristina Jackson and helping to spread the word on other fantastic writers out there on Inspiring Indies, she is a wife, mother of two, owner of one dog and slave to two cats. Everyone who knows Kristina says she has a wicked sense of humor, is fun, happy, but best of all is dity minded. Hahaha.

That's my Kristina.

So find her on Facebook or on another of her sites and give her a shoutout. If you're a writer, or someone she can seduce with her brownies (What's in those things anyway?), she may even give you an interveiw.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

FREE Ebooks -- February 8th & 9th

Former Muslim Child Bride To Give Away FREE Copies Of Her Memoir, BENGALI GIRLS DON'T, February 8, 9

Yes, that's right. For two days only Bangladeshi Author L.A. Sherman's Memoir, Bengali Girls Don't, the true story of her forced marriage and her winning the visa lottery for America, will be FREE to anyone who has an Amazon account. Read it on your iphone, android, blackberry, Kindle, tablet (ipad, etc.), or computer. All that's needed is the free Kindle app. And since everything's FREE, you really don't have any excuse!

Kindle versions
Bengali Girls Don't (US)
Bengali Girls Don't (UK)
Bengali Girls Don't (Germany)
Bengali Girls Don't (Italy)
Bengali Girls Don't (Spain)
Bengali Girls Don't (France)

Bangladeshi Author L.A. Sherman

A modern day Cinderella story about the author Luky and her incredible journey from her birth during Bangladesh's liberation war to the present. Her desperation to be a 'normal teenager' turned into a nightmare when she was betrayed by her parents and forced into an arranged marriage with an older man at age 15. My heart ached when I read what horrendous conditions she endured. Her descriptive writing had me visualizing everything she suffered through. I was amazed at Luky's strength and determination she used to survive each day in the hope of one day being home again. This is one story that will forever be etched in my mind and heart. --Maureen Ruehl

"Despite all the struggles she went through in life, she still managed out strong! My god, she metamorphosed into a fabulous individual."
-- Rajesh Unnithan

"Her story will break your heart and at the same time you'll be thankful for the life you've had."
-- Rick Willard

"Really shows the other side and view of things that many people take for granted."
-- Alamin Hahs, lawyers without borders

"You are in for a journey of emotions."
-- Heather Smith, freelance writer

"Would make a great movie."
-- Jlynn Evol

"The most courageous women in the world!"
-- James Faulk

And if anyone has any questions, let me know. :)
Bengali Girls Don't (US)

L.A. Sherman grew up in Bradford, England in a strict Muslim family where she learned how to sneak out of the house without making the door creak. At the age of fifteen, she was tricked into going to Bangladesh by her parents and forced to marry a man as old as her father. After four years there with a wicked mother-in-law, she won the visa lottery for America and moved to the Big Apple. Now hard at work on her second book, she lives in Tampa, Florida with her family near a pond full of gators and spends her time doing all the things that Bengali girls don’t.

Monday, February 6, 2012

The Bucket List

The Bucket List

You remember the movie, The Bucket List, where Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson don't have much time to live, and so they create a "bucket list" -- a list of things they'd like to do/accomplish before they die. You might have your own bucket list lying at home somewhere, tucked safely in your underwear drawer, or maybe even hidden away in one of your favorite books. You might even have things on it like "skydiving out of an airplane naked while eating celery sticks and peanut butter dipped in bleu cheese," or "riding a bike in a tutu in the rain while flipping pancakes and singing three blind mice." Mine says "to pee standing up while not getting my legs wet."

I'm kidding.

Anyway, over in Montana. One guy's list of things to do before he dies included "high speed police chase with cops."

No lie.

Can you believe it? And to top it all off he wasn't even drinking or guilty of any crime. "I just always wanted to do that," the man said, according to the police reports. He also said he was having a bad (probably hair) day and wanted to go for a drive.

I wonder if his list also included "getting felt up by a big biker dude in jail named Bertha"?

L.A. Sherman is the author of Bengali Girls Don't, the true story of her forced marriage and her winning the visa lottery for America.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Single People Are From Mars, Married People Are From Venus

After much scientific study, we've come to the conclusion that the first image should be labeled "This Is Your Brain," while the second image should be classified as "This Is Your Brain On Drugs."

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Don't Mess With Bruce

So what if you can do 1, 2, 3, or 4 things better than sombody else. That doesn't make you better than them. So what if you can dunk a basketball over Bruce Lee, the basketball going through the hoop, the basketball hitting Bruce Lee's face, Bruce Lee slamming into the floor and your fat ass landing on top of him, crushing him against a cameraman. Who cares that you just b-otched Bruce Lee in the red paint in front of thousands and thousands, and on the telly no less. Does that make you better than him? Hell no it doesn't!! Try messing with him and his family in an awful manner, or picking a fight with him in a steel cage match. Then we'll see what happens. He'll karate chop your crying place to siberia and send your butt cheeks packing to your mamma's.

Of course, that scenario all depends on it happening before July 20, 1973, because that's the day Bruce Lee passed away, effectively guaranteeing that he wouldn't kung fu your ass to smithereens. But anyway, you get the picture. Just because you can do a few things better than someone else doesn't mean they can't woop your fanny.

You slamming it down on Bruce Lee's gobhole.

Bruce Lee opening a can of whoop ass.

So the moral of the story is... Don't mess around with Bruce. Hell, If I were you I wouldn't even mess around with anyone named Bruce, and that includes Bruce Springsteen (after all, he has bandmates with large instruments), Bruce Almighty (i.e. the part-time God), or Bruce Willis (unless you wanna hear that yippie-kai-ay Mo-Fo line after he just tore you a new A-hole and sent you to the guy with red horns and tail. Oh, and let's not forget Bruce Wayne. Unless you like being tackled by a guy who plays dress up.

And if I've forgotten any Bruces, real or imaginary, let me know.

L.A. Sherman is the author of Bengali Girls Don't