Funny facts about me and my family

I once accidentally dyed my hair orange and my dad said I looked like a pumpkin.

The pumpkin my dad said I looked like.

My mum used to say: "When you step on someone else's danda (i.e. dick) it feels all good and squishy, but when you step on your own it hurts." As a side note, it also hurts when someone steps on your face.

Ouch!

It could be worse. One time, when I was a kid in Bangladesh, a rickshaw driver lost control and the whole rickshaw fell over and my sister Lahbi (which means lovely) flew out and fell into a sewer of shit. No lie.

A shithole much like the one my sister fell in

Immediately following the incident, my brother, whose temper is legendary, slapped the shit out of the rickshaw driver and called him a whoonga bastor, meaning you damn bastard, and labeled him a rabbisher jadth, meaning he belongs to the rubbish class.

A rickshaw and its driver

Have you ever noticed how rickshaw drivers have such huge ass calve muscles? Well, I guess you wouldn't unless you saw one. A REAL ONE. Not those wannabes in NY who THINK they're rickshaw drivers. No, the real rickshaw drivers are dirt poor, work all day in the hot sun for pennies, never get to see their family, and are skinny from not eating and running/walking/carrying fat ass passengers all day.

True fact: My dad had to cut off his female cousin's leg during the 1971 liberation war between Pakistan and Bangladesh.

A saw for cutting trees and legs

Okay, who would you rather be? Tony the tiger or that frog guy on sugar smacks? Hint: choose that frog guy on sugar smacks because pretty girls kiss frogs, and when they kiss you, you'll turn into a handsome prince!

Tony the Tiger, whose name means "TO New York"

This is you before getting kissed by a pretty girl

This is you after getting kissed by a pretty girl

Bengali girls don't suck on lollipops. Why? Because such as act makes men's eyes full of sin. (This is according to my mum, of course)

Warning: if you're Bengali, don't do this. Otherwise, you may be sinning.

Bengali girls don't eat non-halal or kosher food. Which means no gummy worms. (You see, gummy worms have gelatin in them, and that's a no-no in our culture since gelatin comes from pigs, which are considered unclean).

Yummy gummy worms

Pigs, or unprocessed gummy worms

On Sundays, when I was a kid in England, I had to go to Sunday school - - Islamic Sunday school, which was basically an imam with cane who whacked us when we didn't properly recite verses from the Quran.

Our imam had a beard much like Gandolf

Let's just say me and the imam's cane got to know each other pretty well

Bengali girls don't eat pizzas with pepperoni on them. Why? Cuz pepperonis are pork and we, as Muslims, can't eat pork.

Pizza with yummy pepperoni

By eating pepperoni pizza, you could be eating this guy

Bengali Girls don't eat hot dogs or Italian sausage or polish sausage on the grill or ham for Easter dinner. My mum says they're all unclean, and that if we eat them we'll go to hell and get murdered by the devil.

Yummy sausages on the grill

By eating sausages on the grill, you could get you murdered by this guy after you're already dead

One more note about the cane: My brother used to get whacked with the imam's cane on a pretty regular basis. But when he moved out, the imam hit me.