Thursday, March 31, 2011

A Poem

Rain falls,
     as do I to my knees
at the sudden sound of your passing.

You mumbled something under your breath
     and reached for some unseen item at the table
and that was it;

     slumped over in your chair unmoving,
a mere shadow of your former self:
     you were gone…

leaving only gloomy storm-clouds on my morning
     and an empty, aching void
where once beat and beat (for your love)

my heart.

(c) 2009 by L.A. Sherman

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Ehtay Mullah, the brother I never knew

When my parents first moved to Bradford, England in the 1970s, my dad adopted a Bangladeshi kid named Ehtay Mullah who was 17 or 18 years old and an orphan. My dad brought him to England in order to give him a better life because he himself was an orphan at a young age (my dad's parents died when he was a boy). As soon as Ehtay Mullah came to Bradford, he took a job somewhere and was gone most of the day. Before long, he was going to college, moving on to bigger and better things, moving up in the world, forgetting the man (my dad) who gave him a better life. In those first few years my parents were in Bradford, we rarely heard from him. The last time my dad spoke about him (and this was when I was a kid), he said that Ethay Mullah had moved to London, got married after getting a high paying job, and started a family. It's sad because I never even knew the man. Anyway, the reason I'm telling you this is this: My sister did something wrong a while back and my brother said to the entire family, "She's not part of this family anymore! She's not my sister! She's Ethay Mullah's sister," meaning she's the kin of somone we no longer know.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Today I went . . .

To the to gym beat tired. I couldn’t work out so good because I was so beat tired. So I figured that in order to get my energy back I'd go shopping. I shopped for six hours straight. I just couldn’t stop. Before long my stomach started rumbling, and I looked around and saw this little tiny cute baby. I could've eaten that little baby right then and there because I was so hungry. But I knew I had to get my shopping done. I knew that as well as anyone. And it was all worth it too because I got everything for a bargain - - all the clothes for the winter were on sale for like 75 percent off. So I stocked up for next winter. Because a friend of mine once told me, "It’s not how much you make but how much you save."

On the way out I did get some fries at McDonald's. Although, in my defense, I did throw some out so I didn't feel so guilty. I just couldn't resist the smell of those fries, because the McDonald's was right inside the store, at Wal-Mart. And buying them was the only thing I could do to alleviate my craving.

When I got home I cleaned up a little bit, had a cup of tea, and stuffed my face with six cookies. Six chocolate chip cookies. Which ruined all the work I did during my spin class. I dipped them in my tea and thought of my dad, how he always dips his cookies in his tea. And it’s so relaxing, too. It just feels so relaxing. I had a little tiny smile on my face just thinking about my dad dipping his cookies in his tea. It's where me and my sisters get it from. Then I had to run to the toilet. Literally run to the toilet, while squeezing my butt cheeks together, and after I felt five pounds lighter. Relieved and happy as a lark to be five pounds lighter, I proofread some of my book. Part I to be exact, and only had to make two changes. But other than that, it was a relaxing day. Now it’s time to read the new People magazine on the couch, and go to bed.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Things My Mum Used to Say

Bengali Girls Don't wear their hair uncovered. Because, as my mum said, "When you die your hair will turn into snakes and bite you."


Bengali Girls Don't talk back. Because,as my mum said, "When you die your tongue will be crucified."


Bengali Girls Don't drop salt. Because, as my mum said, "When you die you'll have to pick it up with your eyelashes.


Bengali Girls Don't stand up and eat. Because, as my mum said, "It goes into a dog's belly," meaning you eat more (i.e. get fat).

Friday, March 18, 2011

A comment from the Peanut Gallery

One day, as I was purusing the news on Yahoo I believe, I came across a story about a Middle Eastern man who had killed his wife (His wife was an American). From a quick scanning of the story (for some reason I always scan Internet news stories), I gathered that the woman was trying to leave the man because (quite obviously) he had a temper and she had fallen in love with someone else. His best friend I think. Apparently he didn't like her seeing someone else, especially his best friend (or his ex-best friend I should say), so one day, in a fit of rage, he went to where she was staying and killed her (I think he choked her or stabbed her).

To be perfectly honest, the story for some reason didn't shock me. After all, it seems like this sort of thing happens all the time. And I know situations like these are not laughing matters. But as I began to scan the comments section that is usually included below each news story, I came across one that really stood out and, again to be perfectly honest, made me snicker. The complete and unedited comment is below for you viewing.

"Bravo to him. He avoided years of hell, female games, unfaithfulness, and a costly divorce. Marriage should be outlawed if all women are like American women." --from anonymous.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

A light in the attic

Today I'm having a new room built upstairs. Should look pretty nice, I think. But there's one catch: they need to get into the crawl space in the attic to cut some hole in the ceiling so they can move a vent. "Okay," I tell them, "Go ahead."

"Well, the light's not working they say. The bulbs blown."

"Here's another I say," handing the guy the bulb.

"Still not working," the man says.

I run downstairs to get my son's winnie the pooh nightlight. "Will this work?" I say, extending my hand out in hopes that he takes it. The man smiles. He doesn't say anything, and I'm still left holding the pooh light.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Pilates with a Bomb

So I'm at the gym in my pilates class full of women and it's almost toward the end of the class. Were doing the rollover, working on our core muscles, with our legs up over our heads, bums in the air. It's not a pretty sight, I tell ya. All of a sudden someone lets out and it's as loud as a bomb going off while, and we're still holding the pose. In that moment of shock, when all time seemingly stood still, I thought, "I hope no one thinks it's me cuz it sure sounded very close." But nobody says anything. The room is pin drop silent. We do a second repetion & guess what? It happens again. Still nobody says anything, and here I am thinking, "Does nobody hear this shit? cuz sombody is litirally SHITTING out loud here." We do the last rep & I'm thinking, "This better not happen again cuz people might be thinking it's me." Well, you know what? it does happen again. So I get up all pissed off and in my non-indoor voice say, "I think we'd better strenthen some other muscle rather than our core muscles as some people in here are shitting themselves."

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Monday, March 14, 2011

Craigslist

Today I sold a baby gate on Craigslist. A well dressed man came to my door, knocked, and I opened it. I showed him the gate; he wanted it. "Fifteen dollars like we agreed," I said. He handed me a twenty. Out of nowhere my little 2 yr old pulls out my dirty bra from the hamper that was sitting next to the door. Man I wanted to die out of embarrasement .....why couldn't he pull out my sock or something?  The guy just looked at me and I looked at him, my face red as a beet root. I could feel it, but he laughed it off and I said I'll get you the change, and he said it's fine, keep the change. Well I guess he was dying to leave at this point.

This morning

So this morning my heart's pounding in my chest cuz I'm still reeling from the idea that a gator almost got my 2 yr old. But ya know I have to go to the gym this morning. So after I get ready, I go to the front door, open it a crack and peek through, then push it open all the way, run out, screaming in my mind the whole way to the car, open the car door, throw my kid in the back seat along with my gym bag, slam the door shut, scream, "shit" because I forgot to shut and lock the door to the house, jump out of the back seat to take care of the house door, jump in the back seat agian to buckle my son in, then, without getting outta the car again, crawl from the back seat to the front seat and tear out of the driveway like a banshee and down the road to the gym. Are u kidding me? the mere thought of a giant scaley lizard hiding under my benz and nipping at my toes is freaky!

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Olive garden

Went to Olive Garden today to celebrate my mother-in-law's 54th b-day. So were there, right, sitting in a booth, stuffing our faces on salad and breadsticks, doing our best to fill up on the cheapo stuff so we don't have to spend money on those expensive entrees and side dishes. Are u kidding me? fifteen dollars for some alfredo? I'll only pay that much when it's buy one get one.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Big trouble in Little Florida

"Gator!" the woman yelled from the car window.
I scratched my head and wondered why she had just yelled gator from the middle of the road.
"Gator!" she called again, this time pointing to a spot near the side of the house, the same side my 2 yr old was playing on.
From my seat on the back patio I watched the woman open her car door, get out and run towards me. "What the heck is she doing?" I thought.
"Gator, gator," she cried.
Feeling that something bad was about to happen I stood up. Walked to the edge of the patio and shit my pants (symbolically, of course). Cuz there on the side of the house following my son was a 5ft gator.
"Gator, gator!" the woman kept screaming.
Without thinking I scopped up my son, not even looking at the gator, and whisked him into the house, shutting and locking the sliding glass doors behind me. We watched the gator walk to the woods. With a sinking feeling in my tummy I felt bad I didn't get to thank the woman for sounding the alarm, but no way was I gonna go outside where that gator was. Are you kidding me? I'm never gonna go out agian! Florida's horrible. My friend used to say, "After you've lived in New York, everywhere else is just camping."

At the Doctors

Last week, when I went to the doctors, he looked in my ear and asked me why my eardrum was all scarred and scratched inside. I shook my head. "I don't know," I said, cuz no way was I gonna tell him the truth, which was that it's scarred and scratched cuz I enjoy massaging the inside of my ear with a bobby pin. I know, I know. You're thinking, "Eww. How gross." But u gotta understand. I grew up using bobby pins or the end of a safety pin cuz in Bangladesh we couldn't afford q-tips. A bobby pin was the closest we could get to a q-tip in Bangladesh.

Yesterday at Publix

So yesterday at the grocery store, my 2 yr old son threw a fit cuz he wanted to ride in the cart that had the little red car attached to it. Of course I gave in to his fits, but how in the world do you push those things? especially when ur 4 foot eleven and a half? er, I mean 5' 1" (Hey, it even says so on my license). Then the manager comes over after seeing me struggle with this giant cart / car thingy and offers to push it for me through the entire store while I shop. So of course I let him, but u know what? I was feeling shity cuz I only had bread and eggs on my list and here's this manager pushing my son from the bread aisle to where the eggs were, just pushing and pushing and saying "It's no problem, maam. We're here to help." Anyway, I started feeling like a cheapo with only bread and eggs in my cart so I ended up buying all this other shit that I didn't need like candy, chips and pop just to make the manager feel as though he was doing something worthwhile.